Stocks are tanking again as investors are waiting to see the details of the (at least) $700 billion dollar bailout proposed over the weekend. You're going to have to make your own joke, I can't afford to be funny just now.
The proposal would give the Secretary of the Treasury nearly unlimited powers, which is vaguely unconstitutional, not that people notice these things anymore. Still, the congress is attempting to see if this boondoggle can be used in some way to help Americans who are losing their homes, instead of just trillion dollar investment banks. But you know, first things first.
Ever wonder what it is about pedophiles that makes them think that invisible people talk to them, and what's more, tell them it's ok to knock up teenage girls?
Sarah Palin is going to meet foreign leaders at the UN, including Hamad Karzai of Afghanistan. And since they're both in charge of third-world areas infested with guns and drugs, they should get along famously. If she does well, John McCain is scheduled to take her out for ice cream afterward.
Women undergoing fertility treatment who also use acupuncture are more likely to conceive. Ladies, I've been telling you for years that little pricks can change your life.
Furthermore, I'm very disappointed that Americans are pessimistic about the current financial situation. Actually, I'm impressed, to be honest, but I'm confident we'll move past this brief, aberrant phase of seeing things as they are and get back to the sunny optimism that's led us to the worst financial crisis in 80 years. "Worst slogan EVER" Vote Sims/Shakira '12.
Anyone else remember Bush's plan to privatize Social Security, because Wall Street knows how to manage money better than the government? I wish people who say that government is the problem, not the solution would stop being so hellbent on getting elected in order to prove it.
Still, good news today as stocks are surging on reports that there is still more than enough vaseline to cram half of Wall Street up America's butt.
A 30-ton transformer broke on the Large Hadron Collider after Shia Laboeuf drunkenly smashed his car into it.
The so-called Band Aid rapist has received an 11 year sentence with Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson.
Sarah Palin's private email account was hacked, and that's clearly wrong. But if she's conducting government business on said account, can it be considered private?
A man was stabbed during a fight over a Hot Pocket. The loser of the fight had to eat the Hot Pocket.
This and that, 17 September 2008
As I write this, the stock market is down 320 points. You are about to be on the hook for an $85 billion dollar loan to AIG which will never be paid back, and if you can't make your mortgage, no one wants to hear it. The Aristocrats.
President Bush said today that we are at war with extremists, which is hardly news. "We" being the American people and "extremists" being the Bush administration. Mission Accomplished.
Your baggy pants may be legal from a Constitutional standpoint, but you still look like a complete moron.
A Sacramento postal clerk got 35 years for embezzlement, and regrets not shooting a few people instead to get a lighter sentence.
Stocks may be in the toilet, but the smart money is investing heavily in Lump Of Coal.
Tough times for many, but this live CNN report shows that some people are maintaining their gaiety.
John McCain is needling Barack Obama over his recent Hollywood fundraiser. A lot of people saw McCain say it, too, since he did it during his 12th visit to the Tonight Show.
A millionaire CEO of a multinational company and Hillary fundraiser who shuttles herself back and forth between London and New York on a private jet is backing McCain because, "Obama is an elitist."
More from Frontier Palin Tales: Remember all of those earmarks the governor vetoed? Funny thing, there's no actual way for a governor to veto anything that Congress does. Besides, she still took the $233 million for the Bridge To Nowhere and spent it on other stuff.
A McCain financial advisor, Carly Fiorina, said yesterday that Sarah Palin, as well as the other candidates couldn't have run Hewlett-Packard, which was Fiorina's old job. And she ought to know, since she got fired for running HP into the ground. Anyone wonder what a successful businessman thinks?
200 people were evacuated to a hospital after a chemical spill at a photo lab. I'm sure the tests will come back negative.
Hail To The Chieftess
We are seven weeks from a historic (not "an historic", morons) election. For the first time in the history of this country, a black man has been nominated for the top spot, and also for the first time, the Republicans have put a woman on the ticket for vice president. The polls are all very close, and anyone who claims to know what's going to happen is full of crap.
Speaking as one who is full of crap, if I had a gun to my head, and my life depended on picking the winner of the election, I would have to say McCain/Palin. I'm not thrilled by this idea, but at the moment, I think it's likely. Hopefully, the next seven weeks will be instructive to the American voter as to what the candidates are about, and who they're in bed with.
Assuming I'm right, John McCain will be sworn in as president next January. Assuming actuarial tables are right, Sarah Palin will be sworn in as president at some point after that. I'm not being morbid here, it's simply that John McCain, statistically speaking, has nearly reached his life expectancy. Voting for McCain is, in reality voting for Sarah Palin to be president, if not on January 20th, at some point in the future.
I do not mention this to scare the hell out of you. I am merely amused that the first female President of the United States is very likely not going to be Hillary Clinton. And that it's largely Hillary's own fault.
Hillary Clinton has spent most of the last two years attempting to frighten people on the subject of BarackObama. He's inexperienced! He's like Jesse Jackson! He's the son of a single mother on food stamps and an elitist! And, Senator Clinton, is BarackObama a Muslim?
"Not as far as I know."
Fark you, Hillary.
The upshot of her disgusting campaign is largely that it provided John McCain with a blueprint on how to attack BarackObama in the general election campaign. Now to be fair, McCain is fighting a far dirtier campaign, not even bothering to consider the truth when giving speeches or buying campaign advertising. Even the imbecile lapdog media has noticed that most of what the McCain camp is saying is utterly false, but Senator McCain, the man I'd have enthusiastically voted for eight years ago, doesn't give a damn. He just wants to win, and he's even got Karl Rove, the man who trashed McCain's reputation in South Carolina in 2000, on his payroll.
Just win, grandpa.
He may win, again thanks to the groundwork laid by the Clintons. If McCain does win, and Palin does ascend to the presidency, her inadequacies will be made horrifyingly apparent. America will go another fifty years without seriously considering a female candidate for president. Hillary Clinton will reap what she has sown, and will leave as her legacy nothing more than being the strongly feminist first lady who didn't leave her husband after he cheated on her in front of the entire world.
Get off of your ass, Hillary. Start figuring out how you're going to get BarackObama elected president, or get comfortable with the idea that your moment, the only thing that has mattered to you in the last thirty years, the thing that you feel is your right, will never happen. Sarah Palin will be the first female president, and you'll be Lady Bird Johnson.
Not surprisingly, President Bush feels the economy is still strong. I've never seen anyone with a more severe case of short-timer disease in my life.
Even Alan Greenspan acknowledges that this economy is the worst he's ever seen, and he's 400 years old.
It's starting to look like the engineer was sending text messages just before he plowed his train into a UP freight on Friday. "WRKNG NW, LOLZ - OMG BRB CRSH"
A Sapramento coc was arrested Rocklin this past weekend.
Five men were arrested for smuggling squirrels, thankfully not in their cheeks.
Scientists have unearthed a million year-old camel bone in the Syrian desert, and a hundred year-old camel toe at your mom's house.
Iran's paralympic basketball team chose to forfeit a game with Israel rather than play against Jews. It's not racism, that's just how they roll.
If your wife is meeting with your priest, and she keeps screaming "OH GOD!" it's entirely possible that your clergyman may not be a pedophile.
This won't change your opinion of Sarah Palin, but as a citizen, you really ought to read it anyway.
A jet crashed in Russia killing 88 people. The governor of Alaska confirmed the whole thing, as she could see it from her house.
57% of evangelicals think torture is ok, even though very few victims of it come back as a saviour. Thou Shalt Not...have any principles whatsoever.
Ever wonder what your name would be if Sarah Palin was your mom? Click here for the full Whiskey Tango experience.
John McCain faced his toughest interview yet, and was asked questions about abortion, the separation of church and state, appointments to the Supreme Court, and nasty campaign attacks. It took place on The View. THE VIEW. Does this country even have journalists anymore?
We can argue about the causes of global warming until we're blue in the face, but there's no mistaking the fact that the seas will soon be filled with giant floating ice penises.
We've secretly replaced this mugger's intended victim with a four time national karate champion. Let's see if anyone notices.
This and that, 10 September 2008
The McCain campaign is in full fake-outrage mode over Obama's use of the phrase "lipstick on a pig" because even though he wasn't talking about Sarah Palin, he must have been talking about Sarah Palin. Also, even though John McCain used the exact same phrase about Hillary Clinton's health care plan.
Also, whether the phrase is taken out of context or not, apparently it's still way worse than McCain calling his own wife a "farking coont."
Senator Larry Craig is still gay. I mean, "not gay." Engaging in sex with other men doesn't make you gay. All right?
Besides, the senator from Idaho was only shopping for shoes. Other men's shoes.
And now that liberal rag, The Wall Street Journal, is reporting Governor Palin's true record on the Bridge To Nowhere. She was for the project in 2006, against it once it became radioactive, and let me add, because this is important, kept the $223 million dollars that was supposed to fund it.
Groundbreaking operation turns menopause into menoplay.
Just eight weeks left until the election, and it turns out that McCain and Obama have differences in their economic policies. Your opinion largely depends on which side of 100 grand your salary falls on, and how great you think the last eight years have been. It's a no-brainer, and yep, it's gonna be close.
It looks like I'm getting a tax cut if Obama gets elected. What about you?
A great irony that global warming-caused glacier melts may provide scientists with further evidence that the world has existed for slightly more than 6000 years. Four billion or so.
Smithers...you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
There's no 'maybe' about it, sir.
[sniffles] Excellent.
Barack Obama and John McCain are fighting over who will get to bring change to Washington. McCain's argument appears to be that only the Republican party can truly clean up the mess that the Republican party has made over the past eight years.
So, what has the corporate-controlled FDA been up to the past eight years? Making sure drugs are safe. Safe enough? Not made out of glass shards? Uh, you may want to check this list out, citizens.
If you watched any of the RNC convention this week, you may want to get some factual information here. And if you watched that 9/11 video they showed last night, you may need a chemical shower. Christ, just absolutely shameless.
The Archbishop of San Francisco says that Nancy Pelosi is wrong on abortion. She should respond by saying that he's been wrong about covering up child rape within the church. But she won't, because she's as spineless as the rest of the House Democrats.
Shockingly, a majority of Americans now think that the archbishop and his ilk ought to shut their collective pieholes. "Separation of what and what now?"
Night three of the Republican National Convention tonight, and it's Sarah Palin's coming out party as she'll speak to the country for the first time. By "coming out" I don't mean she's gay, or she would most certainly have stoned herself to death by now.
Women voters are a bit turned off by the suggestion that they'll automatically vote for Governor Palin, even though she has a vagina, just like them. WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?
Someone who's never turned off, apparently, is Sarah Palin's 17-year-old daughter, who is five months pregnant. I'm sure she'd have been more responsible had she been aware that her mommy cut funds for teen moms who need a place to live.
But pregnancy, like gas pipelines, war in Iraq, and deciding to drive drunk are all just God's will. So, lay back and try to enjoy it.
President Bush appeared via satellite at the convention last night in a pre-recorded speech to urge Republicans to support John McCain, his out-of-wedlock black child, and his confinement-induced crippling post-traumatic stress disorder. Old habits die hard, don't they George?
The online betting sites are giving odds that Sarah Palin will be withdrawn as the VP nominee, and I'm taking that bet, since no one in that whole family seems to know a damned thing about withdrawal.
Solange Knowles is Beyonce's sister, and she sings. For my own purposes, this is news.
An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing at LAX this morning. There were no injuries, and no complaints over the airline's new $15 Emergency Landing Fee.
A tennis coach in Pleasanton is facing charges that he tried to get his students seeded.
And police in Manila are hunting for a small medium at large.
Whiskey Tango
A lot of people have been talking non-stop about John McCain's vice-presidential pick, and with good reason. She's a woman. She's good-looking. She's got no experience. She has a baby with Down's Syndrome. Her husband is part Eskimo. She shoots guns, but never at fetuses. She's a fundamentalist Christian. And these are just her political stances. What about Sarah Palin's life outside of politics, which is to say, 98% of who she is?
The big rumor this week was that her infant son may have actually been her 17 year-old daughter's kid, and the governor claimed it was her own to avoid stigmatizing young Bristol. Utterly ridiculous, a mean-spirited allegation, and impossible, seeing as how the sweet young Palin girl is already five months pregnant. This would be a crass time to mention that abstinence-based sexual education for teenagers might not be all that effective, so I won't.
But even with this revelation, McCain is still a genius.
The key to winning an election is getting more votes (US Presidential elections, notwithstanding), and you have to appeal to large blocs of people. Soccer moms, NASCAR dads, auto-erotic asphyxiation uncles, you name it. By selecting Sarah Palin, John McCain has sent an online greeting card to the most massive group in America: White trash.
Who relates better to statuatory rape and shotgun weddings? With any luck, young Bristol could marry her teenage groom in the Rose Garden at the White House in January 2009! What a fantastic way to let the country and the world know that we've moved beyond regular guy hillbilly presidents, and just given up entirely by putting the people we see involved in domestic abuse calls on COPS into our vice-presidential mansion.
You can hope it ends up all cool and hip like Juno, but that's not how they spell it in Alaska.
Barack Obama's nominating acceptance speech last night was in front of too many people and had too many specifics, and anyway, he's still black.
No more stimulus, and personal income growth was utterly flaccid last month.
President Bush declared a storm emergency in Louisiana in advance of hurricane Gustav. I thought this was pretty cool until he made it plain that this was in regard to Katrina.
Thank you for choosing Comcast high speed internet. Now don't use it that much or we'll cancel your service.
An Ohio jury convicted the mom in a microwaved-baby case in just a fraction of the time it would take to convict a woman who put her baby in a conventional oven.
The Republicans are considering postponing their convention in St. Paul next week due to concern over hurrican Gustav. Dammit, I was really looking forward to Bush's fiddle recital.
Bill Clinton speaks tonight at the Democratic convention. Take your life savings, call your broker and tell him to invest all of it left-handed compliments.
Hillary is strongly urging her delegates to rally around Barack Obama. Urging. Has mentioned that they should. Has thought about saying something. WAS ROBBED BY MISOGYNIST PENISED-AMERICANS WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.
Bush: Timelines are bad. Obama: We can get out in 16 months. McCain: Ur a total fag. Iraq: Just go away.
Three pandas were born during the final weekend of the Olympics, and yes, they were delicious.
Why isn't Dave Matthews Band playing tonight as scheduled at Raley Field? Because they're elitists. Now get back to your TV dinner and your "intelligent design," stupid.
Here's a pic of Wil Wheaton holding a velvet painting of Ensign Wesley Crusher. I don't really need a reason.
The FDA approves radiation of spinach, warns that if eaten in large quantities, the irradiated spinach may cause blindness in one eye, and huge forearm tumors.
Hmm, maybe fantasy football is cooler than I thought.
This and that, 20 August 2008
President Bush is telling the Russians that the disputed provinces are part of Georgia, and not Russia. Couldn't we just give them the backwards-ass Georgia we have here and call it even?
Rudolph Giuliani will be giving the keynote address at the GOP convention next month. I wonder if he'll go with a formal floor-length gown or something a little more playful that says, "I married my own cousin, now take me dancing!"
Low-level arsenic exposure in water has been linked to diabetes. I may have flunked out of medical school in Tijuana, but I'm pretty sure high-level arsenic exposure makes diabetes disappear entirely.
Stem cells can be used to create limitless blood supplies. "I'd like one, two, three pints of blood! AH AH AH."
Robber: "I'm all 6'5", 215 pounds and I have a shotgun." Small female clerk: "I'm gonna break that thing and send you to jail with parts of it up in ya."
The California Supreme Court rules doctors must provide medical care to gays and lesbians. In other news, doctors withheld medical care from gays, lesbians because of religious beliefs. It's "Hippocrates" not "hypocrites," doctor.
Gold has fallen nearly $200 per ounce in the past month. It's unfortunate that the U.S. dollar is not tied to such a stable commodity. *cough* RON PAUL.
A study indicates that video games might be good training for kids that want to become surgeons one day. EA Sports is reportedly at work on Lancing Madden's Colon Polyps '09.
Tropical Storm Fay is racing towards America's Wang, wants to make sure it's there in time for dinner at 3:30 PM.
The good news is that drought-stricken Las Vegas will be getting a nice bump in water flow in a couple of days. There is a downside, however.
McCain's top foreign policy adviser has received over $730,000 to lobby for the country of Georgia. John McCain seems bent on pursuing armed conflict with Russia over their invasion, even though there really aren't any American troops available to do the job. But I'm sure the money has nothing to do with it.
As for Russia, on Georgia withdrawal: "If I would ask you in response to the same question how fast the American forces can leave Iraq, for example, the answer would be as soon as we have guarantees for peace and security there." I guess there's finally a downside to war in Iraq.
A Polish shot-putter won the gold medal in Beijing, plans to have it bronzed.
This and that, 15 August 2008
John McCain and the Republican National Committee report that they have $96 million dollars right now. I don't really see why it costs so much to call Barack Obama the N-word for the next two months, but I'm not a politicial strategist.
Hillary Clinton's name will be entered into nomination at the Democratic convention in Denver. I'm sure the party will be super-energized by the resounding 50.5%-49.5% Obama victory.
Due to plate tectonics, the Pacific Ocean will disappear entirely in 350 million years, which is just about the time you'll have saved up a down payment for your beach house.
A man walks into the Democratic Party headquarters in Little Rock, Arkansas and says BLAM BLAM BLAM. There is exactly zero chance that the shooter isn't "pro-life."
Taking birth control pills can cause women to make poor sexual choices. Well, at least they aren't getting knocked up by these losers.
Supporting the troops can be harder than putting a magnet on your f-ing car. Maybe you could not charge them the extra fees for their bags while they're flying to a god damned WAR ZONE.
The story is not that this man bought a truck using coins. The story is that he used coins because he doesn't trust paper money.
Britney Spears says her new album is her "best work ever." The mind reels with sarcastic replies.
War seems like a waste of resources, but neutral Switzerland may have made a case for it: By not having a military, they had extra funds to make an enormous inflatable pile of dog crap, which blew away and smashed into an orphange. I $h!t you not.
Scientists say that an invisibility cloak is now within sight. Which is why there are no really good scientist/comedians. Do note the photo and caption with this story. Phenomenal.
Guess who noticed that tropical depressions are forming in the Atlantic? Oil speculators. I wonder what's about to happen to the price of a gallon of gas?
Bay area educator busted for teaching Readin', Writin', and 'Rostitution.
President Bush stated in an interview that he doesn't think America is having problems. The real news is that the first person to suggest that we might be is sportscaster Bob Costas.
Pakistan's president is facing impeachment, with allegations that he has "eroded the trust of the nation" during his eight years in power. Nice to see than some countries still have standards.
A Sports Illustrated writer has gazed into his crystal rectum and picked winners of all 302 Olympic events.
This and that, 6 August 2008
Oil prices have dropped to $118 a barrel on news that...um...how about because the Olsen twins weren't involved in Heath Ledger's death?
John McCain's campaign is handing out tire guages to mock Barack Obama's assertion that we could save energy by keeping vehicle tires properly inflated. Hilarious! I mean, we'd only save three times as much oil as we'd gain by drilling offshore. The Straight Talk Express continues its plunge into Weasel Mouth Canyon.
The president is in China for the Olympics, and to kiss some ass. He said today that China needs to end illegal detentions and ensure the freedoms of its citizens. I guess we can always rendition them to Cuba and waterboard them if they don't do as we say.
The average wait time to see a doctor at an emergency room is now up to an hour. As long as you don't hurt yourself, you really have nothing to worry about, right?
Here are five things you should know about...zzzzzzzz.
Good news, state workers! I present Arnold's plan to pay you during the budget stalemate. This is a BYOB party: Bring Your Own Bucket.
Speaking of the governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was elected after people were furious at the former governor for raising car registration fees, proposes a one cent tax increase on everything every Californian buys. It's probably necessary, but we fired the last guy's ass for less.
An 81 year-old retired handyman who does free repairs for his neighbors is being fined $25,000 for running an illegal business. His response to the city? "Fark you, send me to jail."
Scientists have discovered that dark matter in the Milky Way is clumpier than previously thought. I knew it after one bite.
My bologna has a first name, it's OW OW OW OW OWWWWWW.
This and that, 4 August 2008
Iran is testing a new weapon for use at sea, which will be unveiled shortly by that country's leading Photoshop expert.
The Obama campaign claims that John McCain is in the pocket of Big Oil, just because he's taken $2 million in contributions and says he wants to give the industry another $4 billion in tax breaks. But since they don't have photos of McCain in an ad with Paris Hilton, no one really gives a damn.
The same Illiniois town that hosts an annual Ribfest that draws 250,000 people hosted a VeggieFest last weekend. 1500 people showed up in the first hour to see what real food eats.
